Thank you Mr. Mulder

 So for my first post of the New Year (yay! 7 years!) I thought I start with what I hope is a series of me writing down my thoughts about people who did simple things for me that had a large impact on me. Hopefully as a reminder to myself and others to be mindful of our interactions with others.


So I sat down last week and tried to remember what I actually LEARNED in school that I still use today.

I already knew that I had wasted a lot of my youth sitting in classrooms being taught stuff I had learned from watching PBS when I was 5, but I had never really thought about it deeply. Well, I finally have.

First off, I went to public school in Southern California during the 90s. I went to average to above average schools that were not over crowded or what we would call underfunded today. I Graduated HS just as the crowding and cuts were becoming a thing,


After some soul searching... I figured out that after about 6-7th grade I can't remember a single thing that was explicitly TAUGHT to us in class that I use today.

I'm not saying I didn't learn anything new after 7th grade. You pick up things just from exisiting. Tv, social interactions, falling down, etc. I still learned stuff.

 I'm saying that as far as curriculum, I didn't learn anything useful to me as an adult after about the age 11 from my teachers or school directly.

I'll preface this by saying I was in advanced math for my age, I was taking algebra courses at this stage.  Ironically, most of the math I do is making change in my head and figuring out tips. I was never taught how to count back change and just figured it out on my own. I learned percentages in 6th grade.


 It is borderline criminal that I basically I could have dropped out in 7th grade and not wasted the next 5 years getting picked on, drawing dragons in my notebook and reading fantasy novels.

Literally every memory I have of being in class in HS is me drawing dragons in my notebook and trying to look invisible. I'm not kidding. I would try to pay attention, become extremely bored and then check out. I was still acing tests. My grades didn't start slipping until things at home got bad coupled with me ditching school all the time because I was SO EFFING BORED.

So this is the last useful thing a teacher taught me and I loved him for it.


In 6th or 7th grade in math class we built this huge Icosahedron (think like a D&D dice but with more sides) out of PVC pipes and rope. My math teacher who was an amazing guy, taught us the difference between granny and square knots, so that the structure wouldn't fall apart when we were building it.

 I remember being struck with OMG THIS IS SO FUCKING USEFUL when he explained it....It was like a religious moment.. and thinking to myself  I WILL USE THIS FOREVER THANK YOU.  I remember being so happy, like euphoric. This alone tells me that perhaps I was already not getting a lot of new knowledge at this age but wasn't so bored that I remember it explicitly.

So I did remember it.

 I still use it.

A lot.

 Forever maybe.

Thank you.

Chihuahua for scale

So I found a giant monitor.

The spice was not pleased.

Defacing Government Property...

Taken to a whole new level.

Job Opening; Must enjoy Feces.

There is a joke I always make, well not really a joke, more of a truth I poke fun at on a regular basis.. Whenever people apply to any animal related job they always put "I love animals" on the application. Som' girls even get cutesy and put little hearts. This is followed generally with a list of their pets, I suppose to really prove that they "love animals"

The longer the list, the more they seem to think this proves they "love animals". The person reading the application may even be duped into this. WOW this person is perfect! They really LOVE animals, look they have 50 of them!

Its at this point I want to remove my ears. Generally with plastic spoons. Your application is gagworthy, and let me tell you why.

Firstly, if you're putting "I love animals" on an application to a petstore. You are an unoriginal idiot. At petsmart we would have STACKS of applications, all staying the same thing in that same space. I LUVZ DEMS. Way to stand out of the crowd. We'd actually pull the two or three out of the stacks of hundreds that said som'thing different and call those people, no matter how crap the rest of the ap was.

Its also a pretty obvious statement isn't it? If you were applying for a mechanic position, would you put "I LOVE CARS"? Or at a grocery store "OMG I JUST LUVS FUD"

Sounds moronic now right?


Secondly, here is what I hear when I hear (lol) "I love animals"


"I HATE PEOPLE ".


Or...

"Im socially retarded and can't make friends so I have pets instead"


keep in mind, both these things are valid life choices. I used to describe myself as "hating people" at various crossroads. But here's the thing, tell me you hate people on an application for retail I get images of conversations gone awry and me having to babysit you. I'm not maternal. I barely want to train you and explain where the bathroom is. I don't want to have to re-raise you and teach you how to talk to and/or be polite to people. Teaching you to interact with humans was your parents job, and if they failed, guess what? You're an adult now and its your responsibility. Congrats.

I don't want to have to save you from pushy or irrate customers because you have no backbone because the only real world convos you have had are with fluffy and whiskers. I was socially retarded at one point too, but I fixed it. You should get on that.

In short, you are either rude or a doormat, most likely.


The other thing that statement doesn't tell me, is how you feel about feces, blood, death, bedding, food for the animals etc. Petsmart would actually hire people who "loved animals" but were too squeemish to clean up after them. Or too lazy. These questions were conveniently left out at interview time, probably because the moron manager "loves animals" just as much as you do.

Another note is, as it turns out "I LOVE ANIMALS" 99% of the time is a conditional statement. Oh why o' why must you all lie to me? Conditional As in "I love the furry animals" Or I love snakes, but not frogs" or "I love the animals that are friendly but the aggressive ones leave me wimpering" etc etc.

 I'm sorry, to me "I love animals" means, I love all animals with either no or very rare exception. If you can't pick up a roach, or restrain a guinea pig, I have news for you Steve Irwin, you should be working the register.


So in closing, next time you see that space that says "why do you want to work here" say som'thing about your work ethic. Your punctuality. Your ability to get along with coworkers etc.

Or be humorous and just flat out say you like cleaning feces, being bitten, and dealing with ignorant people all day for a living. Because honestly, thats the job you're really applying for. ;)

Bozo the Dirt Clown

Laying eggs and making balloon animals.

Mint Condition

One of my more interesting styles of dog "parenting", is allowing the dog to make its own decisions. Then rewarding the right ones.

Most owners pretty much try and micromanage their dog. Always on leash, even with a good recall. Not allowed to eat anything weird off the ground, you will stay here, etc.

There's also the you can do THIS but not THAT. Which really confuzzles them I find.

Now this is a tad different that training, even PR training, which involves rewarding correct answers and typically redirecting or managing the bad ones. I let the dog have free reign, and I ignore the bad bits entirely. In fact, I often make fun of him when he chooses "wrong".

also, I take into consideration what the dog considered best once we are through the learning curve.

Chili, while at work with me, must go out to a grassy area to pee. This involves walking past a restarant that has a messy set of patrons. Or crappy dinner mints.

There are always LOTS of these mints on the ground outside the door. Chili ignored them at first, and then as time went on he began to sample them. I would let him, and sure enough, he'd taste, spit it out, I'd make fun of him, and we'd move on.

Well, this was ok for a while, he learned that these things tasted bad, and ignored them again. Then he realized that there were different TYPES of mints, and once again the sampling resumed.

What I have learned. Green mints are good, yellow are meh, and all others are bad.

and who said chihuahuas have no purpose? Next time I eat there, I'll know to dive right into the green mints.

Chili on the other hand, has had very fresh breath.

Embarrassment 101

Lessons in too much trust too soon.


So things have been going well with the little bat dog, we did som' training in the street, where we practiced recalls, default check ins and just general Stay-wif-dee-hooman stuff. He did fantastic. Like Emma or Chili type fantastic. Very focused on me, not a care about anything else. Very "show me what you want" or "phhht, my last owner taught me this" Good stuff, really good stuff. So that, coupled with the "omg don't leave my sight to go to the bathroom, or to turn off that light in the other room" syndrome filled me with a sense of trust. This dog likes me, wants to be with me inately, and will respond to me if I need him too.

A false sense. Apparently.


So I decided this morning to take the smaller dogs to the dog park. This is an ordeal because I have to get collars on them all, which is fairly normal until Chili's collar comes out. Now we know som'thing special is happening. Chili's collar only goes on him if we are actually going som'where, because Kiwi feels the need to "play" with him by grabbing his collar and picking him up. *sigh*.

The way I get 4 very excited dogs into my car and maintain sanity breaks down like this.

I bring the car close to the gate. I open the passenger door. I check for cars, dogs, cats, people. Anything monkey wrench really. I then go to the gate and open it. The dogs wait in a sit until I release them with "go to the car". Dogs then turn left and go to the car. Treats inside car waiting. Point A. to point B. Simple stuff.

Especially easy since they seem to understand the concept of car rides being the prelude to the park or whatever. So they tend to just want to be in there. Car equals cookies, car equals rides. Yay, fun fun fun.

So I figured, me, and three other well trained dogs, all going to "the car". It would be safe to just let Radar hobble along with them. Unhindered. I don't have a harness for him yet, and he can't have anything on his throat because of the infection. A leash would make him more excited and less focused. Plus its only about 10 ft from the gate to the car. Call me lazy, but leashing four very excited dogs and walking them 10 ft, and then unclasping them all is a circus, usually involving som'one getting stepped on or choked. I figured if the old man strays a bit, I'll just redirect him. I figured the worse that would happen is he would pause to smell the mailbox. Besides he'll just naturally want to follow the other dogs and me, Chihuahuas are very group oriented.

Ha. Wrong.

So I open the gate, release them and several things happen. Emma, being the saint she tends to be, goes and gets in the car like instructed. Radar on the other hand, takes off full tilt in the other direction. I mean, FULL TILT. How an old dog with two luxating patellas and hip dysplasia runs that fast is beyond me. He looked like a fleeing rodent.

And of course, Tippy follows him. So Chihuahuas ARE group orriented! Just not in a way that benefits me. Fantastic.


Tippy also runs alarmingly fast for a neuro dog that falls over, shes right on his heels.

Chili, confused by the whole scenario, runs into the center of the street, and starts sniffing the ground in obvious displacement behavior, perhaps deciding between the car and the chihuahua 500 thats occurring.


So I scream Tippy's name, and she stops. I recall her, and while shes running back to me, I tell Chili to get in the car and he does. Tippy cannot jump into the car, so I now have to wait for her to recall, then pick her up and load her. The guy across the street raking his dirt has decided to pause to watch the "dog trainer" as her world disintegrates.

At this point I don't know where Radar is anymore. I did see him run into one particular yard, so I start there. I call his name. Nothing. So I listen and hear his tags clinking not far from me and follow the sound. I see him, as far into my neighbors yard as possible. So I now have to run across their yard, in front of their open front door (I could hear them inside talking) past their cars, boat, etc. Basically if there was any privacy left to violate, I'd probably have to walk inside to do it.


I see him. He sees me. Hes now cornered more or less. Im about 15 ft away from him. I call him. He looks at me, then at the gate hes in front of, weighs his choices and then decides that their iron side gate is the better choice than coming to me. He starts to climb through it. WTF is the only thing running through my head. You want to escape my yard to climb into another one???? Why are you running away from me???? Every interaction we've ever had has been pleasant and cookierific!!??? Right??? Gah!!!

Oh, and nevermind the 80lb unaltered Rottweiler that is dog aggressive that lives there. I'm sure they can be friends. Right.


So I snatch the little punk up about 2 seconds from him having a very bad day.




Back in the car, we drive miles to the dog park. I'm still anxious and upset over the whole thing. Everytime som'thing you think is trained, fails, you feel like a complete idiot. Its not the dogs fault, at all. Its mine. At the same time, while I do expect a little falter, most people dont expect a fullblown meltdown of expected behavior. You do expect your spouse to perhaps, admit he/she hides a tiny bit of money from you, or say, hasn't told you this or that. You don't expect an out of the blue "I have 5 other families, I'm gay and Im leaving you". Such things hurt the head a bit.

Not helped by the fact that Radar doesn't seem to like car rides, and is now throwing himself at the windows, trying to escape. I'm so upset that I almost miss the exit, and have to cross a tiny bit of paint divider on the freeway as to not miss it.

Which of course, many miles later, turns out was full of nails. When I arrive at the dog park, my tire is hissing at me and rapidly going flat.

Have you ever drove four excited dogs AWAY from a dog park without actually going in? It much like taking a bus load of kids to Disneyland, parking, and then telling them tough shit and turning around. Its full blown mutiny generally. I don't advise it.

I'm too scared to take the freeway at this point, so I take surface streets home. I figure if its going to blow out and we all spin around in flames, the car ejecting a dog here or there, it would be better to do it at 45mph instead of 80.

Do you know how many traffic signals are between the dog park and my house? Nineteen. I know because I counted them as I sat at nearly all of them on our epic quest to get home. On an empty tank mind you. I figured I had enough gas to get to the park, and would just get more on the way home. Doesn't matter anyway, because on the surface street route, there are no gas stations! One less thing to worry about.

Got home and unloaded everyone. The white bat was carried from point A. to point B. and is now sleeping as if he had the roughest day of his life. Chili is looking at me like he got shafted, and Kiwi can't get over the fact that OMG YOU'RE HOME.

So apparently, dogs love trucks, but cars are another matter.

Handstands and Unseen Cues.

Damn you weather.


Well, severe weather that is.


I was so proud I was still getting tomatoes in late Nov. That is until the wind ripped the giant trellis loose and THREW it across the yard...ripping out most of the plant with it. Little unripened green tomatoes littered the ground like innocent victims. I left them hoping an animal would come along and eat them...but being as the only mammals that like to hang around are the ones I discourage I ended up going outside and being once again reminded of the windy murder..

For the most part tho, I've conquered the severe winds, or at least, learned not to panic when I see a tree defoliated in two days by having its leaves ripped off 2-3 months too soon. I now know the tree isn't dead, it will come back...it will come back. Don't panic.

the frost tho. Is my newest foe to conquer. Its unpredictable. So far. Unless I turn on my computer and go look at the weather and see the frost warning. I am blissfully ignorant until I walk outside in the morning and see it...the little ice crystals of doom on my "lawn". Then I know...I survey the yard to find the victims. Last year, it was agaves mostly. I also had a scrub that hadn't hardened off yet (still green, not bark) that got fried...this year however, since I've moved slowly away from ornamentals, and more towards food, my squash was fried. In fact, it was mush. Except for the little baby squash that was too small to harvest, stuck to the dead plant like a pathetic mammal trying to nurse from a dead mom (which is REALLY sad if you ever see that...)

enough of my bitching tho. I am not a complainer, at least I tell myself that. Its most me just stewing about what cues I haven't picked up on yet to warn me of things...It will come tho. I know it.

Chili is working on his handstand. With massive progress. We had worked on this off and on for months now...and that should be a clue...when I work on som'thing "off and on" that means generally I am doing som'thing wrong. Chili is sharp, and I am not a bad trainer, so when it takes longer than a session or two to teach som'thing...the method is off and its time to stop and figure out what to do different.

This behavior tho. I knew involved alot of muscle memory and strength. Time essentially. This trick would take time. Don't push the dog too far to fast, or you'll hurt his cute little body.

I suppose this made sense for a while, but as was hit a wall and got stuck, I think I used it as an excuse for too long. I needed to know a time frame, som'thing to compare his progress to and finally I found it.

Another trainer posted a montage of videos, here was a dog that was a blank slate, and six week or so in, she taught him 10ish tricks. Complex ones at that. Including, the holy grail, the walking handstand.

Now I had my timeframe. Nothing like seeing stuff like that to either

A. Motivate the hell out of you
B. Make you feel useless as a trainer

Luckily, I am in the "A" generally. I have a large drive to be like the people I idolize, and in general, an optimist...so now that I know the problem is ME. I now could figure out WTF I was doing wrong

I took the clicker adage to heart and went back a step. Then from that step, I broke it down into micro steps between it and the place we got stuck. Som'thing in there was incomplete. My criteria wrong, my click late, som'thing.

Within 5 mins of changing my criteria he was doing brief handstands against his platform.

Within 5 more mins, he could do it with minimal help, as in i could remove the platform and he could get into position against a bare wall

watching a dog levitate for a tenth of a second on his own is mindnumbingly exciting. I think I screamed at him. Which fortunately he likes.

the first ten of so handstands were accidents. As in, he'd do them in an attempt to balance, and would loose his footing on the books/wall. Now the criteria is intentional foot removal from the wall...one foot at a time. So far its going well...and now, our biggest enemy is fatigue.

I am reaching a point where I feel I can teach most anything...confidence swells in me.

And now, the anxiety begins, because the next step in the growth. Is taking your knowlege and giving it to others...which is new to me...and som'thing I am going to be dipping my toes into.

Scary.