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Sunday, May 12, 2013

Job Opening; Must enjoy Feces.

There is a joke I always make, well not really a joke, more of a truth I poke fun at on a regular basis.. Whenever people apply to any animal related job they always put "I love animals" on the application. Som' girls even get cutesy and put little hearts. This is followed generally with a list of their pets, I suppose to really prove that they "love animals"

The longer the list, the more they seem to think this proves they "love animals". The person reading the application may even be duped into this. WOW this person is perfect! They really LOVE animals, look they have 50 of them!

Its at this point I want to remove my ears. Generally with plastic spoons. Your application is gagworthy, and let me tell you why.

Firstly, if you're putting "I love animals" on an application to a petstore. You are an unoriginal idiot. At petsmart we would have STACKS of applications, all staying the same thing in that same space. I LUVZ DEMS. Way to stand out of the crowd. We'd actually pull the two or three out of the stacks of hundreds that said som'thing different and call those people, no matter how crap the rest of the ap was.

Its also a pretty obvious statement isn't it? If you were applying for a mechanic position, would you put "I LOVE CARS"? Or at a grocery store "OMG I JUST LUVS FUD"

Sounds moronic now right?

Secondly, here is what I hear when I hear (lol) "I love animals"



"Im socially retarded and can't make friends so I have pets instead"

keep in mind, both these things are valid life choices. I used to describe myself as "hating people" at various crossroads. But heres the thing, tell me you hate people on an application for retail I get images of conversations gone awry and me having to babysit you. I'm not maternal. I barely want to train you and explain where the bathroom is. I don't want to have to reraise you and teach you how to talk to and/or be polite to people. Teaching you to interact with humans was your parents job, and if they failed, guess what? You're an adult now and its your responsibility. Congrats.

I don't want to have to save you from pushy or irrate customers because you have no backbone because the only real world convos you have had are with fluffy and whiskers. I was socially retarded at one point too, but I fixed it. You should get on that.

In short, you are either rude or a doormat, most likely.

The other thing that statement doesn't tell me, is how you feel about feces, blood, death, bedding, food for the animals etc. Petsmart would actually hire people who "loved animals" but were too squeemish to clean up after them. Or too lazy. These questions were conveniently left out at interview time, probably because the moron manager "loves animals" just as much as you do.

Another note is, as it turns out "I LOVE ANIMALS" 99% of the time is a conditional statement. Oh why o' why must you all lie to me? Conditional As in "I love the furry animals" Or I love snakes, but not frogs" or "I love the animals that are friendly but the aggressive ones leave me wimpering" etc etc. Im sorry, to me "I love animals" means, I love all animals with either no or very rare exception. If you can't pick up a roach, or restrain a guinea pig, I have news for you Steve Irwin, you should be working the register.

So in closing, next time you see that space that says "why do you want to work here" say som'thing about your work ethic. Your punctuality. Your ability to get along with coworkers etc.

Or be humorous and just flat out say you like cleaning feces, being biten, and dealing with ignorant people all day for a living. Because honestly, thats the job you're really applying for. ;)

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