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Thursday, May 23, 2013

Next Blog, Less Poop. Please.

About once a year I hit the "next blog" button at the top of the page. As many times as I can bare to before my eyes begin to burn.

I do it mainly to see what others are up to. Maybe I'm missing som'thing? Maybe that awesome blog I've been looking for is just a click away! Others like me? Maybe!

Yeah right.

 I look at the page and take note of my initial, unfiltered, viseral reaction. Typically it is one of the following reactions:

Too bright

Looks cheesy

Text too big

Pic too big

Wall of text

Hence why I have a dark colored blog and try to not giant text you to death and create lots of paragraphs.  I try to be short and use pictures. No one has time to read novels on the web.

I understand that not everyone has an eye for web design or color or art. I understand that most people aren't even thinking "does this look good to others besides me?"

but heres the part I take issue with.,, The content of 90%+ of the blogs I find seem to be of the following

About babies

About being a mommy

About fashion

About shopping/getting nails/hair done. 

About baby fashion

OMg LooK Little Jr Pants got her first hair Did.

I know I can not possibly be alone in the reaction of GAG GAG GAG. That said I certainly seem to be a minority in this blogsphere. 

Are peoples lives really so consumed with being consumers and shitting out kids that thats all we care about as a society anymore?  At least all that women seem to care about?

I understand that parents that are dedicated to their kids must think they are awesomesauce, but at the same time I can't help but feel like they are zombies if the only thing they can write about is their kid shitting themselves in a new designer dress.

It would be like me writing about Chili if he never accomplished anything. A blog about my dog shitting in the yard and wearing a fancy bandana  (complete with piczees!) would obviously be unreadable, yet I see the parallel all over the web.

For example: Here some blog excerpts I found at random and I simply replaced their kid with my dog. Wacky mad libs style.

I will have you notice that no where on this list is Bow Wow... when Chili was about 16 weeks old he barked Bow Wow for about a week straight but hasn't barked since... I am starting to think that he doesn't like me. LOL!

And now for fashion.

Round bandanas look good on most breeds - the key is making sure your bandanas aren't too big. Too big round bandanas can look Mutty and not trendy especially when you add embellishments like biscuits, clickers, and other toys. Make sure to check out my Bandanas at the dog park guide for finding the right fabric for your breed. Adding a pair of round balls, PLUS a pair of standard bandanas can upgrade your purebred look.
For this week's outfit, I built off the round bandana trend for 2013 and added some other single coated trends. This is definitely a fun outfit for a weekend event at the dog park.

And both now.

I know none of you have started to notice that Chili is at a crossroads when it comes to hair styles. To no fault of his own he has started to develop a Mohawk... ok maybe it is more of a Mullet. He doesn't have very much hair on the top of his back but a good amount on the tail, that seems to get longer everyday. Now if I continue to let this grow I going to have to live with the lasting effects it could have on Chili when he gets older and sees that I let him run around with a puppy Mohawk Mullet.

My only regret is I had to read posts these to make this happen.

Anyway. I promise to not blog about my dogs cute bowel movements if all you fashionista Mommies would find a hobby on top of obsessing about your toddler. You don't even have to give it up, just quit blogging about it so much. The subject has been covered to death, you wont add anything new and important. Humanity can get by just fine without the narative of babys first babbles. Trust me.

There are other important things in life besides reproduction, despite what your genes are telling you.


Friday, May 17, 2013

Goliath Bird Eater Molt

These dont shed often so this was a treat. Nice fangs eh?

This was off a LTC Theraphosa Blondi

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Im honor a Sammi Eggs...

I figured I'd post pics of lil' Fran(k?) hatching in April 2012. She bit the living hell out of me moments after the last pic.

Shes now about 3 feet, tame and sassy. I'll get a pic next time she sits still for a nanosecond.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Sammi eggs.

Sammi had 12 eggs today. The ones that looked good went into the incubator. I've hatched Varanus Salvator before and am currently waiting for Sammi's last egg to hatch from Oct.

This species is rarely bred in captivity and just gazing upon eggs is already a rare privilage.

Shes been antsy pantsy diggy glass dancy for about two weeks now and either off food or not very hungry. I'm glad shes finally done. She does this every 6 months or so.

If these hatch they will be clones via parthenogenesis. Which would be extra badass.

Fingers crossed.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Job Opening; Must enjoy Feces.

There is a joke I always make, well not really a joke, more of a truth I poke fun at on a regular basis.. Whenever people apply to any animal related job they always put "I love animals" on the application. Som' girls even get cutesy and put little hearts. This is followed generally with a list of their pets, I suppose to really prove that they "love animals"

The longer the list, the more they seem to think this proves they "love animals". The person reading the application may even be duped into this. WOW this person is perfect! They really LOVE animals, look they have 50 of them!

Its at this point I want to remove my ears. Generally with plastic spoons. Your application is gagworthy, and let me tell you why.

Firstly, if you're putting "I love animals" on an application to a petstore. You are an unoriginal idiot. At petsmart we would have STACKS of applications, all staying the same thing in that same space. I LUVZ DEMS. Way to stand out of the crowd. We'd actually pull the two or three out of the stacks of hundreds that said som'thing different and call those people, no matter how crap the rest of the ap was.

Its also a pretty obvious statement isn't it? If you were applying for a mechanic position, would you put "I LOVE CARS"? Or at a grocery store "OMG I JUST LUVS FUD"

Sounds moronic now right?

Secondly, here is what I hear when I hear (lol) "I love animals"



"Im socially retarded and can't make friends so I have pets instead"

keep in mind, both these things are valid life choices. I used to describe myself as "hating people" at various crossroads. But heres the thing, tell me you hate people on an application for retail I get images of conversations gone awry and me having to babysit you. I'm not maternal. I barely want to train you and explain where the bathroom is. I don't want to have to reraise you and teach you how to talk to and/or be polite to people. Teaching you to interact with humans was your parents job, and if they failed, guess what? You're an adult now and its your responsibility. Congrats.

I don't want to have to save you from pushy or irrate customers because you have no backbone because the only real world convos you have had are with fluffy and whiskers. I was socially retarded at one point too, but I fixed it. You should get on that.

In short, you are either rude or a doormat, most likely.

The other thing that statement doesn't tell me, is how you feel about feces, blood, death, bedding, food for the animals etc. Petsmart would actually hire people who "loved animals" but were too squeemish to clean up after them. Or too lazy. These questions were conveniently left out at interview time, probably because the moron manager "loves animals" just as much as you do.

Another note is, as it turns out "I LOVE ANIMALS" 99% of the time is a conditional statement. Oh why o' why must you all lie to me? Conditional As in "I love the furry animals" Or I love snakes, but not frogs" or "I love the animals that are friendly but the aggressive ones leave me wimpering" etc etc. Im sorry, to me "I love animals" means, I love all animals with either no or very rare exception. If you can't pick up a roach, or restrain a guinea pig, I have news for you Steve Irwin, you should be working the register.

So in closing, next time you see that space that says "why do you want to work here" say som'thing about your work ethic. Your punctuality. Your ability to get along with coworkers etc.

Or be humorous and just flat out say you like cleaning feces, being biten, and dealing with ignorant people all day for a living. Because honestly, thats the job you're really applying for. ;)

Bozo the Dirt Clown

Laying eggs and making balloon animals.

First litter for Bella.

This poor litter almost got aborted when I fed mom more than she could handle. Lucked out though, small litter of hypos, jungle hypos, normals and jungles. Bella seems ok, which is what I mostly care about.

Never had an issue feeding gravid girls until this time. Aborted two when having a BM about two weeks ago.

Been obsessing ever since, which is what I do when I've seen something odd. Makes me a dedicated snake keeper in the end I suppose.

Heres the pick of the litter. You can play "wheres Waldo" with the beer bottle.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Thinking about...

Had a no show today. Thinking about...

Running to chipotle

That last clients dog was adorable...

Trains. 484 steam engine...

Fabuland moc unfinished...

The doodle next to me has a deep bark and a stupid haircut...


Should go say hi to Benny and his owner...

Telling myself not to make permanent decisions based on temp. emotions

I miss Tippy.

That is all.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Taxonomy Fail

Not sure if thats an injury to its nose or if Iguanas make a disgusted face when called a Bearded Dragon.

Leave it to the make my life just that much harder.

The small amount of Vitamin D3 in this calcium supplement will kill my Chameleon, Dragon, xyz etc.

According to the internets, these dangerous truths are real , and people treat this info like gospel.

Forget that there are people in the internet claming that unicorn eggs are nom nom yummy and that any 14 year old can make a forum post.

Forget that the person talking about animal XYX needing high humidity is probably from a drier climate than you.

Forget that the people who have the most experience likely have very little time to post on forums, and the social mentality of a forum is to regurgitate whatever the popular guy is saying to fit in. Thus making one persons stupid advice look like the majority conclusion.

Forget that these "facts" are not backed up by research, or peer reviewed papers, or the advice of seasoned, expert keepers. I'm sorry, your collection of 10 animals does not make you a seasoned keeper. Your research comprised of reading and regurgitating forum posts is not real research. Sorry.

Forget that I'm here to help you and I've done this one thousand gagillion times and clearly and concisely explain in big words, little words, with examples, inside outside upside down...why that internet snipped is wrong wrong wrong. Just look at me and argue and then go on yelp and say how "rude" or "know it all" I am because if you read it on the internetz, it MUST be true. Do you even know what D3 is? I'm willing to bet the boat you don't have a clue what D3 is, smarty pants.

So to those people I say, go ahead, give your Cham that never sees real sun, no D3! Make sure you're using that tiny coil UVB lamp (or better yet none!) that you bought because you're a cheap ass...a

I'll be here when you need advice of fixing the metabolic bone disease in your Cham . Then we'll see whats gospel. Good luck!


Things I learned this Month May 2013

Canned Silkworms do not stick to dragon tongues

Chili remembers his "whisper" trick I taught him 3 years ago

Not all aspys online are emo pity wallowing a-holes

I still know how to breed boa constrictors

No one seems to know what "Red Herring" means but me.