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Monday, January 9, 2012

Deal Breakers

Also known as "standards". I don't like that term though. A "standard" inplies "you will conform to this" "these are the rules" etc. Standards imply that you meet a person and then try to bend them to change to your liking. Or you try and "fix" that person. Which is a huge no no.




Deal Breaker implies only one thing to me. These are my requirements, and I can take you or leave you.




It doesn't for a moment say the other person must change. It doesn't run you ragged trying to "fix" the other person. Its like a club membership, or the mafia. You're in, or your not.




I first learned of this concept when learning about romantic relationships, but I'm finding they apply to friendships also. Its not about being rigid and selfish. Its about self worth and not being a dormat.




There are typically 3-5 dealbreakers for most people. Depending on how much thought you've put into it. I find its not about being easygoing. As in, the more down to earth and easy going people have fewer, and the anal retentives have like 7. Its more about knowing yourself and what you want out of life and other people. Life experience I'm sure plays a role, but more importantly self worth plays a HUGE roll.




Because it takes a confident person to say, no I wont get close to you, esp when that person is attractive, rich, funny, etc whatever your vice is that makes your brain go crazy. When you hear your head COMPROMISING, as In " hes a bit rough on me verbally, but he likes animals" find som'one to shake you or simply hit yourself.




This isn't about, this outweighs that. If you find a flaw that not on your dealbreaker list, and he fits all the others. Thats different. But that person needs to fit your whole list. Thats the whole point. To not waste time and energy compromising on the important things to you. Theres no point making the list if your not going to respect it.






How to make your list. Well firstly, try to avoid listing behaviors to look for or avoid/ but ROOT behaviors. For example, instead of "guy must not cheat on me/people etc" should be followed from the leaves back to the roots or "No LIARS". Instead of must be attractive, it should really be "must take good care of himself/herself". People who are good looking because they are young, or because they are courting you, can quickly fall apart once they are comfortable or age a bit. The person who takes care of themselve actively, because they want to, is not as likely to do this.






In addition to behaviors, yor should think about beliefs and/or morals. Most list start this way. A couple good ideas are. Religion, children, politics and life additude.




Religion is important even if you don't care about it. Why? Because if your athiest or non practicing this or that, and they are practicing. They inevitably with try and suck you into their religion, or guilt you about it. It will happen. So my advice is to matchy match religion, or if your disinterested, make sure the other person is too. This isn't so important in friendships, if your good at avoiding, but in romatic long term bullshit. This is importante




Politics are kinda the same boat. If you care, find the same, or near same. If you don't care, make sure they don't or prepare to register as whatever they are next year. This is also a good way to find som'ones moral compass and compare it to yours. That is if the person has actually thought about their stances. Most people however, if they are young, don't care and haven't put much thought in, so this is optional.




Children.




Dear god people, find this one out up front. Girls don't be creepy about it, don't act like your asking him for one NOW. Just find out before you get too serious. And no matter how awesome the dude is, if you want kids and he doesn't. WALK AWAY. He will not change his mind, and if he "does" it will be entirely superficial and just to pacify you. Guys, if you don't want kids, save the poor girl som' grief and bring it up if she doesn't. If the relationship is anything more than a bootycall, this one should be number 1 on the list. People who want different numbers of kids could work out. But beware of the "I want a BIG family" people from either gender. These people scare me for reasons I wont get into now, but let just say it usually involves an underlying issue.






Pets


This is a bit like the kids requirement. If you like cats or dogs and dont feel like you can bare life without one. Ask about it. Then OBSERVE.

This is Soooo important. I find many "dog lovers" also love to beat the dog for getting in the trash. Or are otherwise too overbearing and mean to animals. If your planning on getting emotional attached to an animal find out first how much "disipline" the dude is into. If it sounds like he wants an appliance or a robot. Move on.

The other "animal lover" type is the one that wants the dog/cat/hyena/whatever but wont lift a finger to care for it, clean up after it or train it. This can still work if you go into it with the "my dog my responsibility" mindset but beware of "shared" animals. Pets should be broken into yours and his and you dont get to bitch when he wont walk the poodle YOU brought home. This also makes things very clear in case of a breakup when people treat dogs like custody cases.

Family

Make sure you can stand them. Find out frequency of visits. I find I can tolerate people more or less depending on frequency of contact not the actual events of contact. You may be different and sadly this one has a learning curve. Do your best to figure it out and stick with it

Have fun and just say no to being a doormat!!

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