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Monday, November 14, 2011

Theory of Mine

I think too much.

Or so they say. I don't really believe that there can be too much thinking, only useless thinking. After all, that bargain shopaholic and the gang member are likely thinking also, but its all quantity, not quality.

Anxiety causes a persons brain to re-live, for lack of a technical word, som'thing that's bothering them. Essentially when som'thing is "off" your mind makes sense of it, through contemplation, then satisfied, it moves on or quiets. With anxiety, you just rehash the same old BS over and over, often causing a physical, or "gut" reaction in your second brain, that you can actually feel, which in turn makes you rehash more and feel worse.

I've managed to control my anxiety, FINALLY, as an adult, through supplementation, exercise, outlets like this blog, and just plain ol' edumacation about things. I don't know how I survived childhood. What a mess that was. Socially ackward, BORED, and highly emotional. I think I pondered things at 10 that most people don't ponder at 50.

After 27 years, I've stopped biting my nails. Which was huge to me back when it happened. Of course, my search for endorphins just redirected into chewing the hell out of the inside of my mouth, which too, I learned to control for the most part.

Though "control" is the wrong word. I tried for years to stop these habits, and like I imagine smoking is, its nearly impossible. Since your addicted to the endorphins, which make you feel better. So Instead I went to the root. Treated these behaviors as symptoms of a problem, not an actual problem, and it worked. Kicked, done, finished.

Interestingly, my mind has not quieted like I thought it would. Instead its been pondering more constructive things, but it still goes on and on, tormenting me in different ways. I recently heard a statistic, that saids chess players can burn up to 7000 calories a DAY. Just by thinking. Thinking hard.

I've known of similar things in dogs, and I must admit I've wondered if this is the reason I remain so thin, despite all my best efforts. In fact I'm done wondering, I'm in love with the idea that I've think tanked myself to near emaciation :p

I've gotten it all figured out. Most things that is, most philosophical things, political, moral, etc. I've thought everything out backwards and forwards and backwards again, this time without anxiety at the wheel.

Its a beautiful, insightful, yet lonely venture. I must admit.